Sometime it's about nerve

I've had insomnia for about two weeks now. I'm stressed out, worn out, and exhausted, and it's for the best reasons. I have a new job, and I'm finally moving back to NYC. In February, I will be the GM of a new web venture. I hesitate to use the term "start up" only because our sister company has long, successful track record, and we benefit from that.

As many of you know, I've been flirting with jobs in New York for a couple of years now. It's been very hard. There are two types of jobs you can be successful at: jobs your competent to do and jobs that you are uniquely suited for. The prior are easy to find, but why should a company move someone in for a job they can fill locally? The latter are much harder to find, especially when you are looking long distance. Throughout this flirtation, I've interviewed for jobs I wouldn't have accepted if they'd been handed to me with a mega signing bonus. I've flown in twice for jobs I would have jumped at, only to see the company hit with a hiring freeze before the hiring manager could close the deal. I've had more lunches, coffees, and meetings than I can count -- and these I don't regret as I've made some great friends and colleagues. This is a job I never  applied for. It's a colleague I met answering a question on LinkedIn. The question lead to an  exchange of ideas. The exchange of ideas led to lunch around Thanksgiving. The lunch led to a job offer. And in this case, I would have to say the job takes advantage of some of the most disparate skills I've developed. In a sense, it's like someone said, "Let's look at Bill's work experience and create a job based on it." It's also a job that, though drawing on my skills, is different from any other job I've had, which is both exciting and a little bit scary. The base salary is reasonable and the profit sharing is excellent -- now all I need to do is bring in MONEY. (Remember, this is a new venture.)

It's been a while since I've posted, so I'll just tell those of you who haven't read or don't remember the past posts, that I needed to get out of my current job before I died of boredom and frustration.

So, why the insomnia? Why is this post titled "Sometimes it's about nerve"? This is the riskiest thing I've tried since my 20s. I'm 41; leaving the city I've lived in for 19 years; leaving behind 19 years of friendships; moving to a city that has changed so much I sometimes don't recognize it; starting a job that has a promising, but untested business model; leaving a frustrating but familiar workplace for an exciting but unfamiliar one; and basically starting a new life. I don't know what my mailing address will be this time next month. The older I get, the harder these changes are to make.

Here's what's keeping me up at night:

1. Money. Those of you who know me well, know that I WORRY about money -- a lot. Even with my relocation package, this is an expensive move. Also, I make a comfortable living here. Money goes a lot further in Minneapolis. Money can be tight, but I'm by no means living on the edge. The base salary in this new job is a $24k pay raise for me. (In the short term, at least, I'm budgeting as if there's no bonus, because it will take time to build up clients. I'm also a conservative budgeter.) I crunched numbers with my accountant today. After the increase in my tax bracket and the addition of NYC taxes, I'll keep $10,517. That comes out to $876 per month. My rent will likely increase $1,000 a month. That doesn't account for the other expenses that will jump. And I'm not sure that I'll be able to continue my freelance work, which brings in extra cash.

2. Apartment Hunting. I've already started laying the groundwork, but I'm certainly not going to rent without seeing. Thank God my dad lives in NJ, and I can stay with him a couple of weeks as I apartment hunt. Gratefully, my employer is also being very flexible with the start date, to facilitate the move. That said, even over the two years since I last looked, rents in NYC have sky rocketed -- not just in Manhattan but in Brooklyn as well. Trying to find a place that is comfortable, affordable, and a reasonable commute to work is a challenge -- and it's competitive enough that some property owners have no issue making  potential renters jump through hoops.  Also, I have fewer friends in NYC than I do in Mpls, and most of them live in the northern part of Brooklyn, so I have obvious biases.

3.  Movers: I'm researching and meeting them already. BBB and Angie's List ratings are useful, but movers are in a unique position to screw you if they want to. After all, they can hold everything you own hostage.

4. Farewells: I have some of the most amazing friends here, and leaving them is heart breaking.

4. The Miscellaneous Stuff: Utilities, insurance policies, getting rid of old stuff, furnishing a new place, wrapping up an old job, changing banks, etc., etc., etc. The list goes on.

So, yes, on some level this is about fear: fear of lack of money, those lingering thoughts in the back of my head that tell me I'm not good enough to do this job (even when I'm successfully doing this job), the uncertainty of my living situation, the stress of building a new social network. And really, almost all tie to money, which is my achilles heal.

I'm very fortunate. This job is a great opportunity, and I think it will be an energizing one. And this is my chance to finally move home, to my family and the city I love. (Minneapolis is great, but after 19 years, I still don't feel Minnesotan.) And my family and friends in the NY area have been incredibly helpful and supportive. So I'm realizing it's about nerve and faith. About saying, "The pieces have fallen together to get me this job, and they will continue to fall together until I have a home and a steady income." For me, it's also about spiritual faith. And it's about resisting the urge to run back to the familiar dead end -- where I will be safe but never thrive -- instead of the promising unknown.

Oh yes, and it's about learning how to not worry about money.